I'm an Aussie and heck I am sorry

There are two Aussie DJ's at the moment who wish they had seen this meme.

I have a fabulous sense of humour.  After growing up on a farm with two brothers, hanging out with military people for 20 years and having a philosophy of "I can laugh at most things given time" I am pretty fucking horrified at the moment.  And before the "but they didn't mean for the nurse to kill herself" people jump on the band wagon, let me explain my horror.

Pranks are never harmless. Pranks by their very nature seek to trigger a laugh by humiliation, demeaning or bullying someone.  Most often these are played on a defenceless or gullible person. They are never in good taste, always a form of deliberate contempt for a fellow person or group of people. When a person with a low-grade level of humour uses public radio or any other media to prank someone, the level of humilation, demeaning or bullying increases exponentially.  When these low-grade level of humour radio and TV morons are encouraged by their employers, tells us that there is something wrong with our society that endorses humiliation, demeaning and bullying another person. 

I don't for a millisecond think that those two presenters envisioned that an UK Indian descent nurse would commit suicide due to her deep shame and humiliation over being the subject of a prank.  But if you draw a line even a idjit can easily see where this prank was always going to backfire.  Nurse breaches security protocol...publically exposed...hospital humilated...nurse disciplined or sacked...nurse applies for a new job...referee checked or google searched...name comes up as being the nurse who breached a royal member's privacy...nurse unable to gain suitable employment easily.  Add to this her ethnicity...and I am not even going to hazard a comment about this, I am not an expert...but if she was from a culture that does not understand satire, harbours deep shame over a public faux pax and you add another layer of HOLY SHIT over the top of it.

I am so sad for that nurse and her family.  Chaos and Mayhem are the same age as her kids and I cannot imagine the level of their grief.  As an Australian, a mother and a human being, I am so sorry. 

I am sorry that there is a level of society who think that public humilation is funny...then they wonder why little Johnny is being bullied at school...could it have been with a prank...

I am sorry that there are two presenters who are being cossetted after the carnage, rather than being taught that public humilation is never funny....I think they have a larger understanding of that now.

I am sorry that there is a section of society that feels that people need to harden up and get a sense of humour.  I hope that one day you realise how painful public humilation is and that you never feel the pain that greatly that you are compelled to take your own life.

I am sorry that there is a no longer a mentality of "good behaviour in the first place is better than big flowery apologies afterwards."

I am sorry that that UK nurse will not see those kids of hers grow into great adults...and I am sorry that she felt the need to take her own life away from them.

A new adventure Hobbes?

I was reminded this morning about my adventure plans by my new partner in crime...Hobbes...

Hobbes and I have passed each other in random locations for 2 years...we were at a music festival in 2010 and a medieval festival in 2012...probably passed each other and smiled politely, as you do with strangers. We laugh about this...as well as the million other things that we have in common...no one else in my universe can recognise Gaiman quotes quite like Hobbes. 

Anyway...back to adventures...I consider life itself to be one adventure after another.  This is not a pollyanna outlook...I have been in very dark places where I could not see the light, only shadows.  I think this is why I see life as one huge adventure, happiness is part of the journey, not the end location....should I stop now...hmmmmm...

I had been planning solitary adventures.  When Chaos and Mayhem are those well balanced adults I am trying to get them to, the payoff for having babies when I was young is I will have two adult children at the ripe old age of 42...this is what Douglas Adams means in HHGTTG...and my life is mainly my own.  My bucket list quivering with excitement, the major adventures ready to commence.

My adventure plans are big and small.  There is a mountain or two I want to climb (please cue Sound of Music-esque singing), musical instruments I want to learn (noise cancelling earphones people!), shoes that I want to own (mmmm shoe porn), people I want to meet (Hilary get ready to apply for that restraining order), and a million places on earth I want to visit. 

I know there is a universal scoffing of bucket lists but I think they are wonderful.  When the shadows lurk around me, I look at my bucket list.  I add stuff, I tick stuff off and sometimes things become redundant (not often!). Shrug off your distaste and write your 'adventure list', if that name makes it somewhat palatable.  The darkness crept into my life when I stopped thinking about or planning adventures.  Even the littlest ones.  Life was slipping past me as I wished my life away so I could be free.  So foolish of me.

Hobbes...dust off your list...synchronise with mine...sure some stuff will wait a little longer, but what fun we will have while we plot, strategise and experience. 

Bram Stoker...rockstar in my universe!

Happy 165th Birthday Bram Stoker!

Since the age of around 5, I have had recurring dreams of vampires.  They were and continue to be comforting to me.  The first dream I had I remember the vampire changing into a bat and flying around my room.  As I have grown, so have the dreams, but they still bring me comfort when I have them, even when they bite my neck!

I was 11 when my primary school librarian, who I had been badgering about vampire book for years, gave me a copy of Dracula, saying that she thought that I was old enough to understand it.  (That woman introduced me to a lot of wonderful books and stories, cannot give enough thanks to her.) 

Stoker was the first vampire mythology/universe that I read where the vampire was not pure evil and the anti-hero came into my consciousness.  It also spurred me onto finding out more on the history of Transylvania (woohoo it existed), the Carpathian mountains and delve further into vampire mythos (no they DO NOT sparkle).

Thanks Bram...and I hope that you have a great birthday with the rest of the undead today!

Jealousy...it's a curse

My little baby bird loves pandas, and these little guys are just too cute.  She is in pain today so I am hoping to make her smile a little.

There are a million little things that you have the opportunity to learn as a parent.  Chaos and Mayhem teach me things about themselves, their world and myself daily.  I am not your typical parent apparently...I was told this last night by bigger baby bird and I take that as a compliment. 

I rarely speak of my separation and the person that was once my husband.  I do this for many reasons, most of them because there is a level of dignity in not becoming cliched and whinging about the 'evil ex'....because I am sure that I am 'the evil ex' in their world.  But you hurt my baby birds and I get really angry.  I will not rant about this incident, but the thought pattern that occurred afterwards.

Mothering and parenting Chaos and Mayhem is the biggest joy and frustration that I have ever experienced.  Nothing could have prepared me for the amount of time, energy and resources that I have needed to raise two babies into well-balanced adults (and I am not there yet...).  I am far from perfect, I make mistakes ALL the time.  I raise them with humour, love and I never take them for granted.  I am always thinking three steps ahead, where I can, and watch their growth with wonder and amazement.

I get to see them everyday and I am the person they bring their problems to.  They cry and laugh with me.  I am their confidant and advisor.  I hold their hands when they are sick. I get to watch them in their successes and guide them through their stumbles.  I kiss and hug them every chance that I get.  I tell them daily they are special and very loved.   

So as I thought through the privilege I have of being their mum, my rage was tempered with the knowledge that the anger and frustration he has and uses against his own children is caused by the jealousy of the relationship that Chaos and Mayhem have with me.  I am sure that person would disagree, but this is my blog, my thoughts and my opinion.   

A Few of My Favourite Things

While I write this I am listening to "Little Talks" by Of Monsters and Men...check it out peeps!

I like to overthink things...I know you are all shocked and horrified...but sometimes I overthink the silliest things.  Today I watched Joss Wheedon promote Mitt Romney as the candidate for the Zombie Apocalypse...and to stock up on tinned foods...it was fabulous.  But now all I can think about is...wait for it...what to store for the Zombie Apocalypse....

Now as a good Dr is taking care of the weaponry needed for the eventual Zombie uprising, it is left to me to pack everything else needed to survive. 

I started by thinking about what I could live without.  At the top of the list is that stupid Korean dance guy and One Direction.  The problem with this train of thought is that the list of stupid and annoying people that I could live without kept growing and my zombie survival kit was seriously lacking.

But then I seriously started thinking....what could I NOT live without, and I am not talking about people, but things...because let's face it, they are just THINGS. 

1. There is a need for at least 12 pairs of shoes. Beware that number is rising as we speak....

2. I have discovered that I miss my books after the great book purge of 2011.  I would need to pack at least 10 books that I cannot live without and read constantly. 

3. My music collection.  I lost about 60% of my iTunes library in the great separation.  It has taken me years to recollate and order my music collection.

4. My movie collection....same as number 3.

5. Lindt chocolate balls

6. Spam...comes with its own opener

Silliness I know...but I have enjoyed the thought, may you all survive the Zombie Apocalypse...and that number of shoes is now 33!

Words, words all around, and not a lifeline in sight

...he was really saying "I love you"...oh my I love this movie....

I have a love/hate relationship with words.  You may have noticed it.  This post is about my hate relationship with words, at another time I will converse with you about my love relationship with words.

Words are so powerful and yet we are so careless with them.  You would not drop a diamond ring on the ground and walk away from it, but how many of us have said something flippant and walked away, not acknowledging or even thinking of the impact on the recipient, have we lost a diamond of a friend, ally, colleague or lover.

Words can cut worse than a rapier.  And people use them as such, then take no responsibility for the fallout. 

"But I never hit you"....no but you used words against me so harshly that it was the same as a body blow. 

"Do you really think that you need that piece of chocolate?"...no probably not, but now I have guilt when I eat chocolate from your question. 

"I don't know why you bother with a beautician."...why?  Because I am not beautiful enough in raw form, thus what is the point in trying to enhance a flawed product. 

"Go around the fat lady to get to the apples"....is this the only way we can describe a person?

I am an extrovert (no I do not flash my boobs at anyone who walks past me), eventually nearly everything that floats around my troubled orb, will come out of my mouth.  I am not so arrogant to believe that I know how every person will react to the words that I use, but I try to ensure that my words are thought out, carefully planned and measured.  Sometimes I succeed, sometimes I fail...but I always learn from the experience.

And now the really important use of words today....where can I get a Dread Pirate Roberts mask from...I already have my pirate!

I have several friends like this...and I love you all!

It has been a little hiatus for Bright Star Musings...not because there has been nothing to tell...there has been too much to think and muse about.  But my lovely high school friend has poked me and thus I will give you a small piece of some recent musing.

I have talked before about my identity crises, of being all things but losing the essence of me.  How these identification fragments float in and out of my consciousness, comparmentalised for when I have the energy, strength and aptitude to face them.  I have sat and listened to the quiet (cows still mooing), looked at my navel (no lint...woohoo) and as Homer would say, had a few "epiphetrees" (thank you boob lady). 

I will share a recent 'epiphetree' of the past few months....

I am not going to fall into a cliche of harking on about my childhood...I had a perfectly normal and dysfunctional upbringing....just like everyone else...and I expect Chaos and Mayhem to say the same thing about their upbringing. 

But when I look at my childhood, adolesence and adult life I watch a girl looking to be 'enough'...pretty enough, smart enough, skinny enough...what a horrid word ENOUGH is, I think I hate it as much as I hate the word SHOULD.  This is not to be mistaken for wanting more out of life, I still chase adventures and experiences with gusto, this is about being 'enough' for the voices in your head to stop telling you that you aren't.  Because that is who is telling you that you are not enough, no one external is, it is all in your mind, or all in my mind anyway.

What is enough?  When are you enough?  Is there a measurement for when this happens?  It is all a state of mind.  I have been wife, mother, lover, student, professional career woman...when is it enough?  Because all of those things are transient.  I am no longer a wife, started again as a student, I am someone's lover, I am a better mother than I have been in a long time, I have so much joy around me...is this enough yet? 

There is a great scene in Love Actually, where the chappie in love with the new wife of his best mate, bravely tells her (with placards) how he feels, and as he walks away he says "enough" and it was. 

Pretty enough...meh...subjective...

Smart enough...by whose measurement...I can quote Shakespeare but I thought ants were herbivores!

Skinny enough...as long as I am healthy...ok well maybe I have still to conquer this one...giggle

I am enough, I am passionate, adventurous, kind, generous and patient.  I love unconditionally, I forgive, I speak my mind, I am opinionated, I am stubborn, I am careful with my words, I am curvy, I am quick to laugh, I will do anything for those I care about, I am emotional, I am messy, I am chaotic, I am impulsive, I am intelligent, I am witty....

I am enough for me and guess what...

ENOUGH

Empty Nesting - Part 1

(This is me this morning....)

Before you all panic after reading the heading of this post and think that Chaos and Mayhem have moved out, I assure you that is not happening.  I had my first empty nesting pang today though.

I struggled to have children, I will not detail here, but my kids are the result of nice men in lab coats giving me hormones and blood tests and nine months of hell pregnancies.  So even though I have child slave traders on speed dial some days, I love my babies.  Thus throughout their lives I have had moments of sadness as I realise that they are growing up.  Today I had a rather large empty nester pang. 

Driving into work, ultra early this morning to get some shit done before the rest of the crew pops in, as I was driving past a school, they had a reminder on their message board "Mothers Day Stall".  And I was sad.  Since Chaos and Mayhem went into high school I have not received a hastily chosen $2 gift and hand made Mother's Day card.  Damn it...I miss them. I still have the hand cream and flower card with a tea light candle in the centre as well as the fake flower display from the last primary school Mother's Day stall.  They make me smile.

This morning I realised that I will never get another one, and my heart ached for the first time that one day Chaos and Mayhem will be out of the house and there are so many things that will never happen again.

Everyday I learn something new about my babies.

Demented knife-wielding lemurs

I am, as always, amazed at how good people constantly have bad shit happen to them.  I am not saying that bad people don't have bad shit, but really I am not worried about them.  Yes I am also fully cognisant of the adjective of "good" and "bad" is purely subjective...so please do not bore me with that crap...this is my blog...thank you...

When these things happen, I think about karma, every dog having their day, past lives and all of the platitudes that we tell ourselves and each other, in hushed, comforting tones.  I like to think that every dog has their day...in my house the dog has his day everyday...and I put faith in the fact that it does, even without me knowing.  Like Homer though, I need a sign please.

Today I got a sign... http://www.news.com.au/business/worklife/the-investment-banker-and-his-dating-spreadsheet/story-e6frfm9r-1226334020447

Thank you karma, this sign has shown me that the idiots in tin foil are in full force.  That men will trust a person they find physically attractive...for no other reason than that they are attractive.  And that this tool will probably be dateless for a little while.  I love it when karma lets loose the lemurs of war.

So maybe it is not that every dog has their day....we all just need to unleash the lemurs!!

Sorry...still laughing my ass off...

In the garden of good and evil

I had a run in with a redneck today...now some of my southern friends will laugh and say..."you live in Queensland, you are surrounded by them" but this was a special kind of redneck.

I love the movie Guess Who is Coming to Dinner, and one of my top 10 fave lines is "you see yourself as a black man, I see myself as a man". It is powerful language. Relevance I hear you ask dear reader...I had a redneck tell me today how "abominable" homosexuality is and how they "had" to cut this person from their life, and they were a fairly significant person in their lives. I can name some abdominal behaviours in a person...but nowhere on my list is a person's adult consenting sexual orientation. Further more, those behaviours that I find "abominable" I pretty much keep to myself...unless asked...and then due warnings are given.

Back to my movie quote....to paraphrase me "I see myself as human, no better or worse than the next human"

Words....so powerful to be used so flippantly...

Luckiest gal in the world

I love this photo...it makes me aware of all of the beautiful friends that I am blessed to have come into my life....for short or long periods.

As a gal that was born without any sisters, I lamented this as a child.  In fact when my younger brother came along two days before my sixth birthday I was so pissed off I hid in my Nan's bathroom for a couple of hours, waiting for the penis to drop off maybe...anyway, I do love my brothers but I did wish for sisters.  Then I actually noticed my friends with sisters....and they were not happy campers.  They actually seemed to be in full combat with their sisters, whilst I generally got along pretty well with my annoying brothers and when we did fight, it was all forgotten fairly fast.

As I got older I actually realised that I had it better than my friends with sisters...because I got to choose who were my sisters.  This is a gift greater than all of Midas' gold.  I have amazing women in my life.  They know every bad thing that is inside of me, and they still love and support me.  When the negative voices in my head are overpowering, I am blessed to have a circle of strong women to pull me back into positive.  How do I say in pithy words how much these women mean to me, I can't...what I can say is that when you need me, I am there...to laugh, cry, celebrate and plot with you.  I am there when you are in gaol...sitting next to you grinning like a loon...I have the shovel and tarp ready when you need it....you deserve no less than that...because that is how much you all mean to me.

I wish I could talk to that almost six year old girl and tell her that brothers are cool, but sisters by choice is the greatest gift that having no biological sisters could ever give me.  I wouldn't want it any other way.

Alcohol...the cause and solution to all problems

This picture is taped to the wall of my office.  I am a large fan of good quality wine, and I am not fussy, red, white or sparkling...bring it on I say.

What truly appeals to me is the second word...options...it is one of my favourite words, not because it sounds funny but the doors that open with those seven letters....options...

There are many things that I take for granted on a daily basis...but with some navel gazing...I have discovered lint.... and options....they are laying out in front of us everyday.  We take them and we deal with the consequences without  thinking.  Sadly it is only when we take the 'wrong' option that we stop for a moment, analyse and berate....and then look for who is responsible... I hate the word wrong and should. 

There are no wrong options...unless there is avocado on the sanger...and should is a word that should be banned.  The moment you tell me I should be doing something, I instantly want to do the opposite...although I still would not get avocado on my sandwich.  "You should study something useful"...this lead to me studying education, business and law...and guess what, I am not a teacher, lawyer or business woman..."You should wear flat shoes"....we need not discuss this horrifying statement...to me, should limits my options and I do not like having my options limited...

Anyway...back to options...I have begun to love them...shall I have cereal or toast, watch cartoons or the news...because even these little decisions make a difference, I had just ignored them previously.  Little options ripple into larger options which have scary and dazzling consequences.

Now that I have the time to navel gaze I am thinking...do I dare to break through fear and be bold and brave...

Now back to the wine....please send to me in copious amounts...or even better come and sit on my verandah and drink it with me....this is a great option

Boys Part 1 - Car sex

Once upon a time there was a princess in a castle, tower, forest...hell a magical fairy land where doe eyes were standard, figures are in single digits and for some reason the birds and animals of the forest were not only mystical but in tune with the ingenue princess waiting for her prince to come.

I have discovered that there are no knights in shining armour....merely idiots in tin foil....

Bitter...actually no I am not, I would love to have an equal to share the day with, cuddle up to and have doona time with...but herein lies the problem...equality...but that is another story for another day...

Over the past two years I have had a few funny encounters with the opposite sex, but the tale of yore I tell today is one from the past couple of weeks. 

I was having a bad day, so I went for a cocktail with a couple of gals here in the big bad country...which I am pleased to report I have found a bartender who can mix an amaretto sour...slurping my amaretto sour I start to tease the young pups near us who are obviously out on the town on the make, looking at my much younger but happily attached gal pals.  I will cut the story short, but by the end of the night I had been asked out by a cute 26 year old....being 37 with two kids, I was feeling pretty smug...."you go girl you still have it"

Pride cometh before the fall

After two weeks of chatting...online, sms...it was two days before the big date...and he dropped a clanger...no prelude please, I have no time or inclination....just give me a romp and not even between the sheets but...you guessed it...in a car....

Points to note:
1. I am a gal with a brain....you need to talk to me
2. I am a gal with standards...you need to buy me a cocktail
3. I am a gal with kids....that means you CAN'T come to my house
4. I am a gal who is 37....I left car sex behind 20 years ago

There is a reason this is titled boys...and not men...

Tree Change

Call it brave, crazy or just plain stupid but after a turbulent couple of years, Chaos, Mayhem, our cat and I moved 1300kms away from our comfort zone. From big city lights...well almost...to cows living next door to us. I love the quiet, but what happens now.

Being a psychotic overachiever I take perceived failure badly. I am able to comfort others and show them the positives from set backs, the only time you fail is when you quit and every other platitude, when I analyse me...lost in a sea of negativity...where the sharks with lasers are hiding! I sit, listening to the quiet, but when life is quiet, the voices that you drown out come in better than Dolby stereo.

For better or worse, I measure myself by the job I have, the difference I make to others and the happiness of Chaos and Mayhem. All of my life I have been something...daughter, girlfriend, wife, mother, professional career woman...then suddenly single, a level of comfort identity stripped away, so I desperately cling to the others. I work longer, harder, busier to drown out the voice of failure. Wife is gone, mother is part time, daughter is remote and all that is left is professional career woman. Crash and burn is coming and I missed the signs to exit.

So we have a tree change, the old identities are coming back like old friends...daughter, mother full time and professional career woman...but the quiet, creeping like a fog over me, putting a layer of dissatisfaction over these external identifiers...but they are familiar, comfortable...the internal identifiers I am not friendly with...they only come out in my dreams, when I have drank too much vodka or when I am quiet. But I think the key to my peace and happiness is becoming acquainted with them, turning them to my dark side and fully embracing who I am without the external identifiers...that is where the true tree change has to take place.