Just a few philosophical thoughts that have been tossing around in my head in recent months.

Banality

I hate words like nice and cute.  To me they are passive words that are thrown around by people who are at best patronising you or at worst just really not engaged or interested in you. 

“You are cute.”…what, like a ferret…

“That’s nice.”…can you stop focusing on yourself for a moment to listen to and validate me?

Self-worth

Why is it difficult for a person to do something they enjoy, whether they do it badly or not, without being criticised for their ability?  People are held back from trying something new because of a fear of failure.  Isn’t failure never starting?  I tell myself and others that I suck because I am beating the people who will always tell me I can’t.

“you are not 18 anymore”

“your time has passed”

“why would you want to do that”

“you should know better”

“that is awful”

“only children do/act/want that”

It is so easy to hide behind “can’t”…it is comfortable and safe.  Stepping out and saying “I can and I will” takes courage but I believe true happiness exists at the end.

Perspective

For every moment that occurs, there is the truth and then the truth as we see it.  Sometimes being right is not important.  Being right is often just lonely.

Forgiveness

Maybe forgiving is divine, because sometimes it is just so hard to do.  Maybe the first level of forgiveness is to forgive myself for being a flawed individual, embracing that and revelling in life.

Sacrifice

There is no sacrifice when you love someone.  (Almost as cheesy as “love means never having to say you’re sorry…”)

Happiness

I think true happiness is looking at your life and saying “this is where I want to be, in this moment, with these people.  I am not wishing my life away in the hope that around the corner it will be better.  Better is now.  I am content.”

Sorry for being so long between blogging…I had a new life to start…

I'm busy...

Happy 2013 people...sorry that I have been quiet...but I'm busy...

Actually I haven't been busy, I have been having some down time, relax time and fun time, but in the midst of all this I have made time to hold up my end of the agreement.  You see, I have made the big decision to study full time this year, after working my entire adult life, sometimes two jobs, sometimes a job and a full time uni study load, so before my baby birds leave the nest, I have made a monumental decision to cut down my budget and finish my masters this year with no work distractions.

This decision was not taken lightly, and is reliant on two institutions being able to do their jobs also.  One is a university...one is a government department...neither is able to pull their shit together.  So I am now existing in a limbo land and the only explanation I am able to receive for their incompetence is "We are really busy this time of the year..."  So that got me thinking...and guess what...I hate that excuse.  It is an excuse, not an explanation, justification or even a platitude.  It is the excuse that we pull out when we really don't want to catch up with that person or finish that unpleasant task.  If someone actually said "Look, I am not in the mood to have lunch with you today because I just can't be fucked." I would have more respect for their honesty than, "I am just too busy with work/kids/study/picking my nose (insert appropriate excuse here!)" to salve my bruised ego.

In the case of these two institutions, they are expecting me to be happy with their excuse of "this is the busiest time of the year for us with everyone starting classes and expecting payments, you just have to wait."  Hmmmm...colour me stupid (what is that colour actually...) but if you are running a business, and you KNOW that this is the busiest time of the year because you have been in that business for YEARS...don't you think that prudent business planning would be that you prepare for the busiest time of the year.....obviously not.  And as an ex-public servant, I know the Friday afternoon attitude of 4pm is beer o'clock and it can all wait until Monday.  (Please note that I know that not all government workers are this way, and it is my frustration that is lumping all and sundry together at this point in time.)

Adding onto my frustration is that it is seemingly my fault that these things are occurring.  Their errors and failures are being reversed and projected onto me....hmmmm...this is a topic for another time methinks...back to I'm busy.

How many times a day do you say to others...or even yourself...I'm too busy to do that thing.  Then ask yourself if it was something that you actually wanted desperately to do, COULD you make the time to do it...if the answer is yes, then you are not too busy, you just don't want to, and know that the socially accepted reason is "I'm too busy".  Has life gotten busier or have we made it seem that way....I have no answer at the moment, but as I wait in limbo land I will think about this some more.

In the case of these two institutions, I sympathise with you being busy, but I wonder if you think through the ramifications of your actions...people's lives are actually depending on it.

I'm an Aussie and heck I am sorry

There are two Aussie DJ's at the moment who wish they had seen this meme.

I have a fabulous sense of humour.  After growing up on a farm with two brothers, hanging out with military people for 20 years and having a philosophy of "I can laugh at most things given time" I am pretty fucking horrified at the moment.  And before the "but they didn't mean for the nurse to kill herself" people jump on the band wagon, let me explain my horror.

Pranks are never harmless. Pranks by their very nature seek to trigger a laugh by humiliation, demeaning or bullying someone.  Most often these are played on a defenceless or gullible person. They are never in good taste, always a form of deliberate contempt for a fellow person or group of people. When a person with a low-grade level of humour uses public radio or any other media to prank someone, the level of humilation, demeaning or bullying increases exponentially.  When these low-grade level of humour radio and TV morons are encouraged by their employers, tells us that there is something wrong with our society that endorses humiliation, demeaning and bullying another person. 

I don't for a millisecond think that those two presenters envisioned that an UK Indian descent nurse would commit suicide due to her deep shame and humiliation over being the subject of a prank.  But if you draw a line even a idjit can easily see where this prank was always going to backfire.  Nurse breaches security protocol...publically exposed...hospital humilated...nurse disciplined or sacked...nurse applies for a new job...referee checked or google searched...name comes up as being the nurse who breached a royal member's privacy...nurse unable to gain suitable employment easily.  Add to this her ethnicity...and I am not even going to hazard a comment about this, I am not an expert...but if she was from a culture that does not understand satire, harbours deep shame over a public faux pax and you add another layer of HOLY SHIT over the top of it.

I am so sad for that nurse and her family.  Chaos and Mayhem are the same age as her kids and I cannot imagine the level of their grief.  As an Australian, a mother and a human being, I am so sorry. 

I am sorry that there is a level of society who think that public humilation is funny...then they wonder why little Johnny is being bullied at school...could it have been with a prank...

I am sorry that there are two presenters who are being cossetted after the carnage, rather than being taught that public humilation is never funny....I think they have a larger understanding of that now.

I am sorry that there is a section of society that feels that people need to harden up and get a sense of humour.  I hope that one day you realise how painful public humilation is and that you never feel the pain that greatly that you are compelled to take your own life.

I am sorry that there is a no longer a mentality of "good behaviour in the first place is better than big flowery apologies afterwards."

I am sorry that that UK nurse will not see those kids of hers grow into great adults...and I am sorry that she felt the need to take her own life away from them.

A new adventure Hobbes?

I was reminded this morning about my adventure plans by my new partner in crime...Hobbes...

Hobbes and I have passed each other in random locations for 2 years...we were at a music festival in 2010 and a medieval festival in 2012...probably passed each other and smiled politely, as you do with strangers. We laugh about this...as well as the million other things that we have in common...no one else in my universe can recognise Gaiman quotes quite like Hobbes. 

Anyway...back to adventures...I consider life itself to be one adventure after another.  This is not a pollyanna outlook...I have been in very dark places where I could not see the light, only shadows.  I think this is why I see life as one huge adventure, happiness is part of the journey, not the end location....should I stop now...hmmmmm...

I had been planning solitary adventures.  When Chaos and Mayhem are those well balanced adults I am trying to get them to, the payoff for having babies when I was young is I will have two adult children at the ripe old age of 42...this is what Douglas Adams means in HHGTTG...and my life is mainly my own.  My bucket list quivering with excitement, the major adventures ready to commence.

My adventure plans are big and small.  There is a mountain or two I want to climb (please cue Sound of Music-esque singing), musical instruments I want to learn (noise cancelling earphones people!), shoes that I want to own (mmmm shoe porn), people I want to meet (Hilary get ready to apply for that restraining order), and a million places on earth I want to visit. 

I know there is a universal scoffing of bucket lists but I think they are wonderful.  When the shadows lurk around me, I look at my bucket list.  I add stuff, I tick stuff off and sometimes things become redundant (not often!). Shrug off your distaste and write your 'adventure list', if that name makes it somewhat palatable.  The darkness crept into my life when I stopped thinking about or planning adventures.  Even the littlest ones.  Life was slipping past me as I wished my life away so I could be free.  So foolish of me.

Hobbes...dust off your list...synchronise with mine...sure some stuff will wait a little longer, but what fun we will have while we plot, strategise and experience. 

Bram Stoker...rockstar in my universe!

Happy 165th Birthday Bram Stoker!

Since the age of around 5, I have had recurring dreams of vampires.  They were and continue to be comforting to me.  The first dream I had I remember the vampire changing into a bat and flying around my room.  As I have grown, so have the dreams, but they still bring me comfort when I have them, even when they bite my neck!

I was 11 when my primary school librarian, who I had been badgering about vampire book for years, gave me a copy of Dracula, saying that she thought that I was old enough to understand it.  (That woman introduced me to a lot of wonderful books and stories, cannot give enough thanks to her.) 

Stoker was the first vampire mythology/universe that I read where the vampire was not pure evil and the anti-hero came into my consciousness.  It also spurred me onto finding out more on the history of Transylvania (woohoo it existed), the Carpathian mountains and delve further into vampire mythos (no they DO NOT sparkle).

Thanks Bram...and I hope that you have a great birthday with the rest of the undead today!

Jealousy...it's a curse

My little baby bird loves pandas, and these little guys are just too cute.  She is in pain today so I am hoping to make her smile a little.

There are a million little things that you have the opportunity to learn as a parent.  Chaos and Mayhem teach me things about themselves, their world and myself daily.  I am not your typical parent apparently...I was told this last night by bigger baby bird and I take that as a compliment. 

I rarely speak of my separation and the person that was once my husband.  I do this for many reasons, most of them because there is a level of dignity in not becoming cliched and whinging about the 'evil ex'....because I am sure that I am 'the evil ex' in their world.  But you hurt my baby birds and I get really angry.  I will not rant about this incident, but the thought pattern that occurred afterwards.

Mothering and parenting Chaos and Mayhem is the biggest joy and frustration that I have ever experienced.  Nothing could have prepared me for the amount of time, energy and resources that I have needed to raise two babies into well-balanced adults (and I am not there yet...).  I am far from perfect, I make mistakes ALL the time.  I raise them with humour, love and I never take them for granted.  I am always thinking three steps ahead, where I can, and watch their growth with wonder and amazement.

I get to see them everyday and I am the person they bring their problems to.  They cry and laugh with me.  I am their confidant and advisor.  I hold their hands when they are sick. I get to watch them in their successes and guide them through their stumbles.  I kiss and hug them every chance that I get.  I tell them daily they are special and very loved.   

So as I thought through the privilege I have of being their mum, my rage was tempered with the knowledge that the anger and frustration he has and uses against his own children is caused by the jealousy of the relationship that Chaos and Mayhem have with me.  I am sure that person would disagree, but this is my blog, my thoughts and my opinion.   

A Few of My Favourite Things

While I write this I am listening to "Little Talks" by Of Monsters and Men...check it out peeps!

I like to overthink things...I know you are all shocked and horrified...but sometimes I overthink the silliest things.  Today I watched Joss Wheedon promote Mitt Romney as the candidate for the Zombie Apocalypse...and to stock up on tinned foods...it was fabulous.  But now all I can think about is...wait for it...what to store for the Zombie Apocalypse....

Now as a good Dr is taking care of the weaponry needed for the eventual Zombie uprising, it is left to me to pack everything else needed to survive. 

I started by thinking about what I could live without.  At the top of the list is that stupid Korean dance guy and One Direction.  The problem with this train of thought is that the list of stupid and annoying people that I could live without kept growing and my zombie survival kit was seriously lacking.

But then I seriously started thinking....what could I NOT live without, and I am not talking about people, but things...because let's face it, they are just THINGS. 

1. There is a need for at least 12 pairs of shoes. Beware that number is rising as we speak....

2. I have discovered that I miss my books after the great book purge of 2011.  I would need to pack at least 10 books that I cannot live without and read constantly. 

3. My music collection.  I lost about 60% of my iTunes library in the great separation.  It has taken me years to recollate and order my music collection.

4. My movie collection....same as number 3.

5. Lindt chocolate balls

6. Spam...comes with its own opener

Silliness I know...but I have enjoyed the thought, may you all survive the Zombie Apocalypse...and that number of shoes is now 33!